I’m finding, in my current state of mind, that it is very difficult to write outside of myself. I find it hard to write from the surface when I am buried so deep inside my own head. It becomes an all or nothing affair, and I find myself straying into the exact territory I swore to avoid.
The jump is pointless if the plane never takes off.
I got an awesome new blue plaid scarf this week and now that the mercury has fallen, I actually got a chance to wear it. Sometimes it’s nice to acquire a new brightly colored accessory in the grey drab winter months. Something fun and lively to call to mind warmer times. Something warm and comfortable that speaks of home and family.
Yes, right now that last paragraph feels terribly false and empty to me. The darkness of mood that prevails causes me to be unable to find joy in the exact things I need to be pulling tightly around me.
I need that scarf to call to mind brighter days. The warmth to evoke days where I felt close to people. I need these little things to be so much greater than they are. To be bigger, mean more.
I need that new scarf to be so much more than a scarf.
I need words on the page to be more than empty words.
I need this to be some sort of catharsis,
or phoenix rising…
I need something bigger.
Some grand gesture.
Unfortunately, I always do.
This is why I repeatedly pack up my belongings. Give away half of what I own. Load my truck. Drive away.
This is why I’ve ended up on mountains, in deserts, in small midwestern college towns.
Far from home, from caring family, from loving friends.
And now. I’m here. Writing words. Trying to draw a picture of a scarf for an unknown, nonexistent audience in the hopes of pulling myself up and out.
It’s a scarf. It’s blue tartan. It’s wool. It’s warm. It’s bright. It was on sale.
It’s a scarf.
And these words. I sincerely hope they’re not empty. But I fear they may be.
But some days are just about putting in the time. And hoping that later we’ll discover that the time put in amounts to more.
To something bigger. Some better place.
To better days, my friends.
To better days.