terrifying dreams and new forms

I woke from an amazing and terrifying dream at some late and horrible hour some night last week and it has taken me about a week to process not only the dream and attached feelings but also the significance it had to the future of my life.
In the dream I found myself to be already in the middle of an action without any memory or understanding of how I’d arrived at that point. A common dream component, moments adrift without connections. I can now connect the feelings of confusion and disconnect with the prevalent feelings I’ve had about my current life path.
In that dream moment I made a terrible and unconscious movement without deliberate intent. And in the crushing crashing instant that followed, inside the echoes of sound, the crack carried with it regret and fear and longing. Then came darkness and the ringing hum that follows such noises, and I was more terrified than I have ever been. And lost.
I had no idea where I was, or where i was going, or of what came next.
And I didn’t want to find out.
In the darkness and void, I began to realize that I might still exist.
The finality may be less final.
I began to take stock of pain and sound and consciousness.
I then realized the darkness was eyes shut tight to a night darkened room.
I opened them to the filtered light of a streetlight trickling through blinds and across my bed.
I of course eventually fell back asleep.
But in that moment I was horrified at the action my body took without my conscious approval, relieved at the realization it was only a dream, and confused as to how to proceed.
After multiple wake-ups and an early morning coffee meet, I had lost all memory of the night’s horrors.
I walked into my apartment and splashed cold water on my face only to have it come rushing back in with complete and overwhelming clarity.
I felt how many had probably felt in that closing act instant of finality:
“I think I made a mistake.”
But fortunately for me, I had the reprieve that comes with actions in dream, I could open my eyes to filtered streetlights and breathe deep of freezing air.
Fill my lungs again.
Rise to new sunny mornings.
Begin again.
So, in the last week, I have attempted to add some deliberateness to my life. Some meaningful control.
I have tried to start living again. To be grateful for second chances, real or dreamt.
To not find myself in a situation with no clear understanding of arrivals.
To not again find my body making decisions without me.


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